*NOTE – To say that I wrote the following while I didn’t feel good would be true but I do not want that to be a cop out. I write what I feel -good or bad, positive or negative, sad and demented but always honest. I will not make an excuse, this is how I felt at the time that the words came out. I am using this as an example of what I believe we all go though – emotions that we all deal with – and how I deal. I share this because I believe someone is feeling the EXACT same thing and they need to know they’re NOT alone. If I am talking to you, leave a comment and we can talk. Send me an email and we’ll pray.
I look around me and these are not the things I wanted to see by this time in my life.
The truth is, I didn’t really know what I wanted to have, do or be by now – I just know it was not this. I guess I thought, no I know I thought things would just “work out.” You could argue they have. I mean, If you’ve read enough of my posts you know that I wanted to be a musician – that didn’t work out.
Growing up I was never encouraged to go to college or pushed in a particular direction. Graduate high school and get a job – that was my model. Get the best job possible but little or no attention to what I liked, what I was good at or what I was interested in doing.
No direction. No help in finding my “way.” We didn’t go to church as a family so I didn’t even know about God’s will or direction for me – that came later. Yet, I still struggle with that and wonder if he has this grand plan for me why am I at this job doing work that does not matter to anyone except the people I work for – and I even wonder about that at times.
I headed into life without a plan and now here I am still wondering what to do – it’s a bit late for that.
That is a big part of my problem. I feel like I am in a place where I cannot really make any kind of move to get into a “better” position because I now have responsibilities, bills – a family. The time to do what I want while preparing for a healthy tomorrow was yesterday. I feel trapped, stuck, floundering in a dead end job with no hopes, prospects or future.
I am beyond sad because I know, deep down, OK maybe not so deep, that it is my own fault. This is all my doing. No one made me waste my teens, 20’s or my 30’s. No one made me go to school and get a degree that does not do me any good except to say that I have it – unless I go after a PhD and let’s face it – who has time for that? Not to mention money?
But then that is what it comes down to right? I wonder if I’d be feeling this way if I had more money? I wonder if I’d feel this way if I had a job where I did not feel like I was, not only on the lowest rung on the ladder, but actually the rung itself.
It sucks to feel this way – and I feel this way a lot.