*NOTE – To say that I wrote the following while I didn’t feel good would be true but I do not want that to be a cop out. I write what I feel -good or bad, positive or negative, sad and demented but always honest. I will not make an excuse, this is how I felt at the time that the words came out. I am using this as an example of what I believe we all go though – emotions that we all deal with – and how I deal. I share this because I believe someone is feeling the EXACT same thing and they need to know they’re NOT alone. If I am talking to you, leave a comment and we can talk. Send me an email and we’ll pray.
Just know.
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I look around me and these are not the things I wanted to see by this time in my life.
The truth is, I didn’t really know what I wanted to have, do or be by now – I just know it was not this. I guess I thought, no I know I thought things would just “work out.” You could argue they have. I mean, If you’ve read enough of my posts you know that I wanted to be a musician – that didn’t work out.
Growing up I was never encouraged to go to college or pushed in a particular direction. Graduate high school and get a job – that was my model. Get the best job possible but little or no attention to what I liked, what I was good at or what I was interested in doing.
No direction. No help in finding my “way.” We didn’t go to church as a family so I didn’t even know about God’s will or direction for me – that came later. Yet, I still struggle with that and wonder if he has this grand plan for me why am I at this job doing work that does not matter to anyone except the people I work for – and I even wonder about that at times.
I headed into life without a plan and now here I am still wondering what to do – it’s a bit late for that.
That is a big part of my problem. I feel like I am in a place where I cannot really make any kind of move to get into a “better” position because I now have responsibilities, bills – a family. The time to do what I want while preparing for a healthy tomorrow was yesterday. I feel trapped, stuck, floundering in a dead end job with no hopes, prospects or future.
I am beyond sad because I know, deep down, OK maybe not so deep, that it is my own fault. This is all my doing. No one made me waste my teens, 20’s or my 30’s. No one made me go to school and get a degree that does not do me any good except to say that I have it – unless I go after a PhD and let’s face it – who has time for that? Not to mention money?
But then that is what it comes down to right? I wonder if I’d be feeling this way if I had more money? I wonder if I’d feel this way if I had a job where I did not feel like I was, not only on the lowest rung on the ladder, but actually the rung itself.
It sucks to feel this way – and I feel this way a lot.
Mick Holt 
10 Comments
First, I’ll give you some tough love! The past is the past, and hindsight is 20/20. You aren’t the same person today you were then. Learn from the past, but move on and focus on what you can do TODAY. Second, don’t use money as an excuse. Yes, you probably would feel the same way if you had more money because you’d just have bigger bills! Money is an easy excuse to use, but it’s still an excuse. Third, my favorite quote is from George Elliot: “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” It is NEVER to late to follow your dream. Figure out what you want to do. Make a plan. Look at your finances. Talk it over with your family. You may have to make a few sacrifices, but you CAN make it work! I once met a woman who was going back to school to be a nurse and had six kids and two part-time jobs. Never say never. And check out this fellow: http://www.values.com/inspirational-sayings-billboards/63-Literacy – learned to read at age 70! Now if he can do it, so can you!
Thank you very much for the “tough love” I certainly needed it and you’re right, I think, on every point you made. The past is exactly that, more money would only create bigger bills – unless of course I had a better mindset and saved more than I have traditionally. It is, in my case and most others I think, a matter of attitude and perspective and both of mine were WAY off yesterday but I did not want that to be an excuse to not publish that – because here’s the thing I have noticed about A LOT of people – we wear masks to hide our pain – we lie to ourselves and the world. My decision to share this was an attempt to show someone that it is OK to hurt, it’s OK to not be “great” when you’re not and that through all of it God IS OK with us letting go. I think it is one of the main reasons He included the Psalms in the Bible. Not everything in there is happy and praise filled and we needed that example.
So thank you, again, for the “tough love” and for stopping by and commenting – I really do appreciate your time. Please don’t be a stranger.
I think we can all get into the mind set of “what if…” or “if only…”
Truth is, we are where we are.
We can’t change the past but we can decide to change the future.
I was pushed to go to college. I went…twice. I have two completely unrelated degrees and I don’t use either of them.
Truth is, I was more interested in pursuing my own agenda’s than in hearing what God wanted from me. It was tempting (and still is from time to time) to regret “wasting” so much time. But honestly, those years I spent following MY dreams have enabled me to better follow GOD’s dreams for me. They helped me grow and mature. When I place them in God’s hands, He is able to take my “wasted” years and use them for HIS glory.
Don’t let satan trap you by looking back and feeling stuck now. Just trust God. Commit both yesterday, today and tomorrow to Him and watch as He moves mountains. We just have to get out of His way sometimes. (trust me, I get in HIS way far too often).
TC, thanks for the encouragement. I try to not get “stuck” in those moments – I don’t always win the fight but I know the battle’s been won so I take solace in that.
I don’t always win either- but God is faithful and gracious! Have a wonderful holiday weekend.
He IS all that and more. Have a great holiday too.
Yup, totally battle these feelings. Worried that my *best* years are behind me. However, I try to hold on to the fact that God can use me still. After all, He had some pretty good plans for an old man of 80 named Moses.
(And no, NOT 80 yet!!)
Hang in there, Mick.
GOD BLESS!
Yeesh. Glad I’m not the only one who feels like that. I’m 19 and being pressured to pick a major in college. Problem is; I have NO idea what I’m supposed to be doing, don’t know what I want to do either…
No, you’re not alone – lots of people feel like this, lots! I would suggest that you pick something you can see yourself doing for a long time – do not get a degree that someone else wants you to get or that you’re not 100% positive about. Use this time to explore some options. Pray for sure. Think about the kinds of things that interest you and follow your passions.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Don’t be a stranger.
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