I am not a “heart on his sleeve” kind of guy.
Never have been.
Except during football season when I can – at times – become so animated and so loud that it once prompted the Boy to say “I wish football had never been invented”
Talk about devastated.
But the fact is I am fairly even keeled. Don’t get too out of my head. For the most part, I keep my wits about me.
Oh, sure, certain movies cause me to ball like a kid whose favorite toy sold at a garage sale unbeknownst to him – Rudy, Toy Story 3, JAWS are all known to bring tears to my eyes.
For the most part, however, I think that I am often quite hard to read. I do not think that anyone would ever accuse me of really being passionate about much.
And that is not something I am proud of. I am too protective of my feelings, too unwilling to be vulnerable.
I am working on that.
My whole life I have been more likely to not try something or quit too soon usually out of fear – not something that you do when you’re passionate.
I have long idolized athletes – mostly football players – that work hard to get to the pinnacle of their sport, the ones that defy the odds to achieve excellence on the field. The ones that were not the fastest, strongest or highest drafted.
The ones that played their college ball at schools so small that they often had to play for both teams – OK, I am not sure that ever happened but some of those guys did have to play on both side of the ball.
I have always respected that. I have always wanted to BE that. I have never been that.
Things are different for when now when it comes to my passion for writing. I get worked up about it. I look forward to sitting down and writing – well, most of the time. I plan some of it, I think about it during the day and as I lie down at night.
I keep a notebook near my bed in case I wake up with an idea – just so I can get it down on paper without forgetting it. I learned from a Tom Clancy book once that “if you don’t write it down, it never existed.”
I have never forgotten that.
I don’t know if this NEW passion is by design. I know that God has a plan for me – always has – and if all the miscues, false starts and poorly chosen directions have all been part of that so that I would now embrace writing in a such a way that I would be as unwilling to let it go or allow it to slip away as I once was to fully engage in activities in the past.
God knows – literally and I am glad he’s allowing me to experience this at this point in my life.
I have something to look forward to instead of looking back.