I believe that I have been punishing myself – not for something I have done but something I want to do – for the gift God’s given me.
The ability to make people laugh.
Some people can write songs, others play guitar both can make music.
People often talk about the joy they get from music – I have fond memories of my old music – how it made me feel. I was safe, and warm. It was my friend. It understood me and I it. It did not question my motives or my failures.
I did not live the drug lifestyle that most of the bands glorified but Oh man did I ever want to live the sex part – I never really got to do that and I can clearly see God’s hand in that.
But the problem is – I don’t feel like I deserve this ability or the joy that comes with it.
I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy or to feel joy.
It is so clear to me that I have not fully embraced God’s grace.
How could I?
Salvation? Yep – got that covered.
The grace, however, that’s required to believe that I don’t deserve to work a dead end, soul sucking, mind numbing PITA job until I die alone – THAT I have not grasped.
I see it.
I know it’s there, but the freedom it would provide…
…is beyond frightening.
Mick Holt 
8 Comments
grace seems to be a hard thing for a lot of us to receive but easy for us to give…and I think it breaks God’s heart when we can’t accept it…
making people laugh is SO important…I live with my mom, and I see a difference from before I moved in and after in her quickness to laugh because I am silly and try to make her laugh more often…and that means so much for me to be able to do…
run at what God created you to be and we will support you 🙂
April, Thanks.
I know the feeling I get when I hear someone laugh at one of my jokes – glad to hear your mother is responding positively to yours.
I am working on running toward it – I really am.
Thanks again for the encouragement!
Here’s the thing about God’s grace that I am discovering. If I even just turn a smidge towards it, I find that HE is running to embrace me. It feels more like it’s about letting HIM embrace ME, rather than the other way around. Sometimes the best way to feel His love is just to stand there and let Him hug…
And, as far as accepting undeserved gifts, totally understand that. I have been so encouraged by this quote from Eric Liddell, the great Christian runner from Chariots of Fire:
“I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.”
God wants us to feel pleasure and joy when we exercise his God-given gifts and abilities. After all, none of us deserve anything, but we are so freely given ALL the riches of the Kingdom. It is the enemy who tries to steal the joy, and lies to us about the *wrong-ness* of feeling it. Don’t listen.
So, Mr. Mick, go therefore out there and make us laugh.
GOD BLESS!
Sharon,
You might just be the best person ever – Jesus not withstanding.
I have heard that “Chariots” quote before – I like it, thank you. And, yes, I will endeavor to do my level best to make you – nay the world laugh and whilst doing see God smile too.
Man, this is pretty powerful, Mick. I think grasping all that God gives us in grace is the pursuit of a lifetime. Realizing the bounty he gives us – and then realizing it’s just because of his gracious love for us! That’s amazing stuff.
Loren, you’re right. I would go so far as t say HE is amazing. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
profound post.
I think some days I’ve grasped God’s calling in my life and I feel like I’m on the right path. But other day’s I feel lost and alone.Like I’ve taken a wrong turn. But God is with me no matter how I feel or how a situation looks.
He is working in me. I’ll never fully realize all He has given me or what His grace means until I join Him in heaven, but until then, God is slowly showing me more and more of Who HE is and what He has created me for.
God bless and have a wonderful week.
TC,
You’re right, He IS always with us. When we’re getting it right, wrong or fumbling with life somewhere in the middle – he’s right there.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting.