Some people can write songs, others play guitar both can make music.
The fact that I can make people laugh is – in some ways – making music too. Only recently have I seen this side of things and been able to reconcile my desire to “play” music with ability to “make” musical laughter.
People often talk about the joy they get from music – I have fond memories of my old music – how it made me feel. I was safe, and warm. It was my friend. It understood me and I it. It did not question my motives or my failures.
I did not live the drug lifestyle that most of the bands glorified but Oh man did I ever want to live the sex part – I never really got to do that and I can clearly see God’s hand in that.
But the problem is – I don’t feel like I deserve this ability or the joy that comes with it.
I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy or to feel joy.
It is so clear to me that I have not fully embraced God’s grace.
How could I?
Salvation? Yep – got that covered.
The grace, however, that’s required to believe that I don’t deserve to work a dead end, soul sucking, mind numbing PITA job until I die alone – THAT I have not grasped.
I see it.
I know it’s there, but the freedom it would provide…
…is beyond frightening.