I did not have a good day.
And you know what? I have strung several of these together. Still several short of my all time record.
I am beyond frustrated with my life, my job, my direction, my service for God. I spend countless hours contemplating what I am doing. What I am supposed to be doing. What I am not doing right. What I want to do. Why God won’t open a door for me to do something other than what I am doing? How will I, do I, know when I am doing what God wants me to do?
That’s a lot of questions – thus the massive time spent in contemplation.
One thing I have figured out is, that despite my earnest desire to serve God the reason, at least as I see it, that I have not gotten another job is because that is exactly what it would be a J-O-B.
And God, this should not be a surprise, is smart enough to know that even getting out of a job that I really do not like will only lead to another job, like all the others, that I really don’t like.
Why is that? How come I have fallen into this pattern?
What is the common denominator?
Unfortunately, it’s me.
Big shock, huh?
I wish it was not. I wish that it was the jobs. I wish it was the bosses, the work, the other employees, the commute, the pay, the lunch break, the hours, the benefits, the fact that they use the wrong toilet paper; they’re anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, anti-pasta, that I am the only male, the only short male, they discriminate, they’re democrats, the drink, they smoke, they listen to country music.
But it is not any of those things. Nope, it a big fat me – in both the literally and figurative sense.
So, what do I do with this? The simple answer seems to be to find work that glorifies and honors God. I mean, what else can I do? What else should any of us do?
I’ve talked before about how I have wanted, my whole life, to be a musician but God does not want that. God seems to want me to write and tell jokes. Or is that what I want? I mean, a door would open if either of those options were the ones that God had in mind, right?
I mean, right?
Or, should I be looking at the fact that doors, no other doors, in any direction, in any capacity are being opened and THAT is the sign that I so desperately want. I don’t even need it. I just want it. Is that my billboard?
I don’t know. That’s why I am asking.
Part of what I struggle with has less to do with God and everything to do with me feeling like what I want to do, what I think I can do, what God has gifted me to do, is me being selfish.
I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve the joy of doing something that brings me any degree of happiness even if it brings God more glory than all the Apostles and Billy Graham combined.