Photo By : iwannt (Creative Commons)
I did not have a good day.
And you know what? I have strung several of these together. Still several short of my all time record.
It’s true.
I am beyond frustrated with my life, my job, my direction, my service for God. I spend countless hours contemplating what I am doing. What I am supposed to be doing. What I am not doing right. What I want to do. Why God won’t open a door for me to do something other than what I am doing? How will I, do I, know when I am doing what God wants me to do?
That’s a lot of questions – thus the massive time spent in contemplation.
One thing I have figured out is, that despite my earnest desire to serve God the reason, at least as I see it, that I have not gotten another job is because that is exactly what it would be a J-O-B.
And God, this should not be a surprise, is smart enough to know that even getting out of a job that I really do not like will only lead to another job, like all the others, that I really don’t like.
Why is that? How come I have fallen into this pattern?
What is the common denominator?
Unfortunately, it’s me.
Big shock, huh?
I wish it was not. I wish that it was the jobs. I wish it was the bosses, the work, the other employees, the commute, the pay, the lunch break, the hours, the benefits, the fact that they use the wrong toilet paper; they’re anti-Christian, anti-Semitic, anti-pasta, that I am the only male, the only short male, they discriminate, they’re democrats, the drink, they smoke, they listen to country music.
But it is not any of those things. Nope, it a big fat me – in both the literally and figurative sense.
So, what do I do with this? The simple answer seems to be to find work that glorifies and honors God. I mean, what else can I do? What else should any of us do?
I’ve talked before about how I have wanted, my whole life, to be a musician but God does not want that. God seems to want me to write and tell jokes. Or is that what I want? I mean, a door would open if either of those options were the ones that God had in mind, right?
I mean, right?
Or, should I be looking at the fact that doors, no other doors, in any direction, in any capacity are being opened and THAT is the sign that I so desperately want. I don’t even need it. I just want it. Is that my billboard?
I don’t know. That’s why I am asking.
Part of what I struggle with has less to do with God and everything to do with me feeling like what I want to do, what I think I can do, what God has gifted me to do, is me being selfish.
I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel like I deserve the joy of doing something that brings me any degree of happiness even if it brings God more glory than all the Apostles and Billy Graham combined.
Mick Holt 
10 Comments
In the words of Lao Che “You never told me that you spoke my language Dr. Jones”.
I have worked over these same questions for many years and sadly, each and every time I have come to the same conclusion as you “it’s me!” The funny thing is, the more I think it over, the more I revisit I, the more I come to the same understanding…….It’s supposed to be me. You know this as well as I do, let’s face it we live our lives on shifting sands, each day is different, each day brings more adventure, more laughs and more tears. The bottom line is, quit trying so hard, quit being so impatient. Think of it like a word search. The more you try to find the BIG word, the more you just over look it. But when you stop and relax and look for other words, it is than that the one you really want jumps out at you.
“Only on…special occasions” — Indiana Jones.
I get that. Not looking so intently for a “thing” usually brings that “thing” or something better into focus.
Thanks for commenting.
That movie is awesome! I actually seen that in the theaters when it was first released. If i remember correctly it was opening weekend……I think. Anyway, I have read back through some of your post, and i feel we learn more from ourselves than we do from any body else. I do wish you luck in your search.
I did see it opening weekend – three times in a row!
I agree, I think we can learn from ourselves but like in most things we must be willing to see acknowledge the need.
Thanks for commenting. I do appreciate your time.
No problem. we all need to vent from time to time. I think change is a frightening things, terrifying even.
I agree change can be frightening or terrifying but, at times, necessary.
But I do have one question. What makes you thing being a musician is not the way you need to go?
Simply stated…I cannot play an instrument or sing and that is despite years of lessons. I go a bit deeper in these two posts.
“I want to Rock” https://mickholt.com/2013/06/10/383/
“Refuse God? Not Any More” https://mickholt.com/2013/03/17/refuse-god-not-any-more/
LOL. Check the blog I commented on where I said we can’t do anything for God until were happy with what we got. I actually think you will find there an answer to your reply to my first comment that would probably be more appropriate here. I had no idea comedy was one of your gifts. Sometimes when I type responses I think to myself what the heck am I telling this person about this for? They are not gonna care about this. I think Jesus must not live in my heart I think He is in my fingertips.
You go check it out that other post now. Embrace your gift.
Thanks for the encouragement – there are a couple of posts with some video of my material you can judge for yourself if comedy is a gift or not.
I cannot speak for other blogs but I do care what you have to say about what I post – I am glad you’ve started commenting.
If you watch the vids I’d love to know what you think.