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| Photo By: MarViniz |
Recently I have been struggling with many things. One is the fact that I am not more open about my faith. I am bothered that I do not share it as readily or as often as I should. I question my usefulness to my family, my church, my job and my Lord. I lament the fact that I have not climbed a mountain, been elected president, written a top 10 song or had my face on the cover a magazine.
I wrestle with seemingly silly things like “Why do I not have a well defined ministry?” “What does God really want me to do?” “Why am I still at this dead end job when I could be more effective – for God – somewhere else?” “Which is better creamy or crunchy?”
I wonder how God could possibly use me when I cannot settle on a direction. I am so afraid of making the wrong choice that I hamstring myself and make and even bigger mistake than picking the wrong path – I make NO decision instead.
No decision is safe. No decision says I am leaving my options open. The world is my oyster. I have my whole life ahead of me. I will not be pigeon holed.
But the truth is I am putting off dealing with anything, especially life, and not in a well intentioned, meaningful delayed gratification kind of way; a way that denotes a certain amount of discipline; a way that takes patience and determination like saving money to make a huge down payment on a house or car, a way that is backed up with pie charts and demographics, a way that is solidified by a plan.
No, I mean in a, I cannot get out of the starting blocks kind of way. I have wasted so much time – too much time, kind of way. I am scared to death to move in any direction because I might make a mistake. I might fail kind of way. I feel like I am sprinting through the deep end of a very public pool kind of way.
I am curious if any of these thoughts ever occurred to Joseph – while he was in a hole in the ground or in prison – twice? You could say that things turned out pretty good for him – after a while.
When I look at my life in light of what he went through, the injustices he suffered and the trials he faced my situation does not look so bad. All of the sudden, going to a job I don’t love is better than not having a job to go to at all. I begin to see that I still have time to define my dream, draw up my plan, make a pie chart or two.
I am not dead, so, God is not done with me.
We all have questions about our walk with God and it is OK to go to him and ask. HE wants that. He wants us to go to him with our problems – it’s OK, he’s your father.
Now I just need to work out creamy or crunchy.
Mick Holt 
2 Comments
Crunchy. Always crunchy. Great post, though. I have great feelings of inadequacy as well, but am learning to rest in God's pleasure for me, no matter what.
Crunchy, huh? Maybe I should keep a total and post the results at some point?It's the feelings of inadequacy coupled with the my lack a patience that seem to bother me most.Thanks for commenting.